For lack of better words...

Here's what I know...depression is a lying, backstabbing, mind-stealing bitch. And that's what I'm desperately holding myself against again and have been. Sometimes I just need to say it to remind myself of that fact. Having been down that tunnel countless times before, it's so hard to find myself just right at the light end of it, and somehow instead of being able to run from the mouth that's overpowering me, my feet are stuck and the tunnel is encroaching without my being able to run from it. It's almost just as horrible to see it coming as it is to realize that you're in it before it's too late. And it's coming.

But I will fight it with everything that I have...even though it takes everything that I have within me at every second of the day.

A not too important update.

But I still feel like updating it.

And as I've written it now, it's really long and probably boring, so maybe you shouldn't read it...just sayin'. But if you have some time to waste. Be my guest. It kinda sucks....

Regarding my dad...we still know nothing. What we do know is that it "could" still be "a cancer." But the uncertainty of it all has started to wear off...maybe I'm just numb to it. He goes in on the 20th for more tests. Clearly he could get in sooner elsewhere, but I think he's too scared to hear what the outcome is and has accepted this date without hesitation. Jesus, how our dysfunction has passed on through the generations; I truly am my father's daughter in that regard, so I suppose I shouldn't blame him. After all, it's taken me 7 years to finally go see a specialist for my health problems..which take place tomorrow and will have more tests to come thereafter. Oh the dread. But this is about other updates. Dad, check; we have no clue and he's scared shitless and unwilling to face reality, so we're all just going to stick our heads in the sand, I guess (I pushed him to reschedule for a sooner date to no avail; I forfeit).

And then there's the update on the shithead(s) that I have somehow fallen for only to realize that it was really nothing in the first place. (Insert Gotye right here and all his freakish bullshit as well...damn you Gotye and your far too close to home words.) So, in short, I suppose an impromptu screaming match over the phone is one way to ruin any chance of ever getting back together and me ending all opportunities by telling him it's best to never contact me again (which I'm pretty sure I also said 2 months ago...yep, just checked, I did). That's the problem here, faceless internet reader (minus 1 person that I actually know who may be reading this...<3 you), I'm tired of his damn pattern! For the last 2 years I have put up with this push and pull bullshit! The pull you close and give you just enough to keep you barely hanging on, and then the complete push away by just sleeping with someone else out of the blue, or just dropping off the face of the planet and ignoring you; and then getting mad at you when you bring this up to him and getting all turned around on you...as though it's my fault right, because I should have "known better." This is probably making no sense right now. Allow me to recap in as short, and unboringly (it's a word now, I just made it one) as I can...

2 years ago, a tall, dark and handsome gentlemen decided he was interested in me. Mind you, I was dating someone at the time, and though I found this tall, dark, and handsome gentleman to be attractive, I knew I had to stay away from him as I am NOT the type of girl to be swayed elsewhere when I'm in a relationship, even by innocent attraction. Not so unfortunately, but just as painfully, my relationship ended with that person (let's call him J). J had gotten distant from me and one day confessed that he was still in love with an ex (and someone else as well that was WILDLY inappropriate) and I was surprisingly dumbfounded...though, I knew it was coming. You always know it's coming. Long story short, I broke it off with him. (We're both amicable now, and have no interest in each other. We're fine.) Tall, dark and handsome (let's call him D) then played his cards all the more. I finally gave in one day to casual snuggling (we were staying at a mutual friends house WITH multiple friends, and we both wanted to snuggle...no harm there, right?). In the process D stated how we should date and how my sister had suggested it even. I scoffed at this and told him there was no way it would ever work out for various reasons. I reminded him again that we were ONLY snuggling and to keep it above the waist when it tried to go further. When asked if I wanted to "make out," I politely declined. See, I can casually snuggle and keep it innocent. Well, what started out as casually snuggling eventually turned in to him asking me out on a date....one that I FINALLY accepted. Though months had passed and I had been around D a number of times and gotten to know him, I was nervous as hell! In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the first time I had ever gotten high before a date in order to calm my nerves (mind you, I also had a broken wrist at this time and a purple cast lined my entire arm, forcing it at a 90 degree angle...it sucked). D came and picked me up and took me to sushi (which I love and he hates, but he was trying to impress me...it worked). It was surprisingly an amazing date. We went back to my house to watch movies and drink beer and then I went to bed, leaving him on the couch. I got the pouty face from him and told him he could come snuggle with me, but that was it. Of course I gave in a little, and we made out, but that was it. However, friends, that was the beginning of the end. It only escalated from there the days following. We hung out more, we went on other dates, he wooed me. Eventually we started having sex and we became "an item" without classifying it as such. We were dating. But then one day it was done....because he was done. He called me and said we needed to stop. I had no say. Days later, he contacted my friends and told them how he had "fucked up" and wanted me back. And he tried to get me back...and he got it. And FUCK MY LIFE, that has been the pattern ever since. This off again, on again bull shit, because I fell for some shithead that doesn't know how to BE in a relationship. So, to bring you up to speed, we finally dated...officially...it lasted 2 months. When I moved out to Portland 4 months ago, we were hanging out all the more and everyone referred to us as a couple except for us. I had finally decided that it was what it was and was going to cut it once I started school again in the fall, but then he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I agreed...almost without hesitation (IDIOT!). 2 months later (Thanksgiving basically...yeah, good timing asshole), he dumped me. But not in your typical "I'm done" type of way, oh no, it's so much better than that. We got in a fight the day before Thanksgiving and he shrugged off wanting to be with me (literally, I asked, he shrugged; awesome). So, instead of sticking with my family/friend plans, I tried to get my ass back to Portland. The following morning (Thanksgiving Day) I called him just to get closure on the fact, that from my understanding, we were done. He told me he didn't remember (he had been drinking but was not drunk) much of the conversation and wanted to come to me so we could talk. He came and found me, sat me down and apologized FOR EVERYTHING. And then stated how much shit he had to work on in himself and how we were going to do it together (every girl's dream, right?), and that he really wanted to be with me. He then started drinking again at our friend's house for T-day and I had to go home to work early the next day. Though we were together, something was still off, especially contradictory to everything he had said earlier in the day. We made plans to hang out the next evening as I would drive back out to see him that night. So, I did just that. I had dinner plans with a friend that ran late but texted him the entire time with my ETA regardless and never got a response. I called him after when I was heading his way, and got voice mail. As I was crossing the bridge into the other fucking state in which he was supposed to be, he sent me a text telling me he went home instead. I pulled over and called him again...sent to voice mail. I simply responded with an "ok" thinking he must just need his space. The next day, I call again, thinking we're supposed to hang out; no response. I get home to Portland and call again; still no response. I leave a voice mail saying that I'm assuming he just needs his space for some reason but was under the impression we were hanging out, so to text/call me and let me know otherwise....no response. HOURS later, he tells me he's staying home and getting ready to leave tomorrow mid day for work (he works out of state and has long drives often). I say "okay" and that I'm THANKFUL he told me. Not being a bitch, just reiterating that I appreciated the communication stating otherwise. I assumed he'd call me once he got to his destination the next day as he ALWAYS does, and got nothing. So, I text him the next morning and tell him I hope he has a good day at work. Nothing. I go to dinner with my friend that night and she thinks it sounds fucked up...as do I. So, I call him after dinner and get voice mail. I tell him that I hope he had a good day at work (he often hates his job) and that I'd like to know when he's coming home and that I don't feel spontaneous texting over the last 3 days is sufficient as he's the one who has stated that he HATES texting and prefers to call someone (which he's always done). About 20 minutes later, I get a text from him stating that he didn't leave for work...at all. MIND FUCKING BLOWN. You've GOT to be kidding me!!! Okay, asshole, what's going on now! is all that I'm thinking. I try to call him at this point; get sent to voice mail. Enough is enough. I send a text saying that he needs to call me as this is just out of hand now. No response. I decide to drive to his house. I should stop talking about this now, you're probably totally bored, aren't you? I am. I've been through it and though it fucking killed me, I'm bored. Okay, let's sum up the next bull shit few hours of me having to find him and being treated horribly by his roommate, to me finding him, drunk in the park by his house in the dark, and racing his RC car (he has an obsession; I found it so cute). He was as shocked to see me as I was him. I told him I was worried since he had been ignoring me for 3 days straight and cancelling plans. He told me he was "fine." Ummm....ok. Then he told me how he didn't want to be in a relationship and how he'd "thought I'd figure it out." Oh yeah, that shit happened. I think I went deaf after that as I don't remember much. I was in shock. But then I heard it again, "I don't want to be in a relationship." Tears in my eyes, I looked at his half squinted, drunk ass eyes, and his shitty choice of dress for the day (stripped sweater (i liked it), torn baggy jeans (hated), dirty addias (not the biggest fan), poofy snow coat...baseball cap), made eye contact for about 10 seconds and turned and walked away without a word. I deleted him from my phone as I walked away, found my car, got in and drove home. Opened the door to my roommate just staring at me and I broke down in tears as I relayed that he broke up with me. We decided to go block my facebook from everyone in the world as this shit was about to go viral (fuck you social media....but I love you so much at the same time!). It took me 15 minutes to get home and as soon as I had signed on, D had apparently already made it home and changed his relationship status. Your son of a bitch. This wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that us even dating took him A FUCKING MONTH to change his FB status. I didn't care, honestly. The ONLY reason this is a problem now is because he made it a HUGE FUCKING deal when he finally decided to change it. I went over to his house after work and sat down next to him on the couch. He kept glancing over at his left open lap top screen and giving me this look that I should check it out. Okay, fine. "Oh, wow look at that. You're in a relationship now. Crazy, I thought you already were...who is this bitch? I'm gonna have to cut her now, aren't I?" Of course I wasn't even tagged in the change, so of course I wrote, "I'm gonna cut her" on his status shortly there after. And of course it was a joke. All of our friends knew it....his family, not so much. Oh well, I think I'm hilarious and that's all that matters.

Wait, how'd I get off track? Oh yeah, the fact that it took a fucking month to put yourself publicly in a relationship and the fact that it took 5 minutes to get out of it! Oh how I loathe you FB relationship status! You just summed up my 2 years of bullshit into a simple phrase, "D********** is single." Fuck you.

Okay, how'd we get off track here. Oh yeah, back to yesterday....wow, sorry about that. So, at that point I had deleted him entirely from my life and was moving on...slowly and painfully, but moving on regardless. Then come to find out, he had breakfast with one of my bffs and in turn made the retarded comment of how he's "giving me my space and hopes to be friends again someday." Ummmmm.....no. Not gonna happen. I've given you TOO many of those chances. So, in the good hearted nature that I try to do all things, I wrote him a long email as to why that would never happen. Why I cared about him deeply, and why I hoped he would take care of himself in the years to come. He didn't react well and actually responded. Dammit. It took a day for him to settle the fuck down and contact me saying he actually read ALL of the email and wanted to meet up. I wanted nothing to do with it. But in my true sucker form, agreed. 2 hours of meeting and talking and crying on both our parts resulted in the agreement that I was done and he wouldn't contact me anymore. Well, for the last 2 months he still has; true to his form. January 4th, he told me he was getting sober. Yay, good for you, I'm happy for you! Why do I need to know? It continued...eventually he wanted to meet up. I hesitantly agreed. He told me how he was not only getting sober, but seeking help. Yay, good for you, I'm happy for you! Why do I need to know? It continued....all the while dropping hints (and saying it), how he needed my support and just wanted me to know...how he "needed someone to hold his hand." Umm....not me, asshole, I've done that too many times. All the while, I maintained my distance, but cared FAR too much. He'd pop up again from time to time and G-chat me...then text me...then call me...all the while explaining his fears and concerns and express how he was having a hard time. I related and told him how proud of him I was, but reiterated how hard it was for me to talk to him...and be there for him....but despite that, that I supported him.

We hung out again recently....it was awkward. I asked him how he was doing and if he'd made that call yet like he told me numerous times he needed to but was scared to. He shot back with excuses as to why he hadn't and put up an instant wall to me. It sucked...I left.

I called him out on it just the other day....a screaming match over the phone ensued....it was not pleasant. I cried and told him it was best he didn't contact me anymore. He agreed, and we hung up. An hour later, he texted me apologizing. I ignored it and deleted his number. An hour after that he texted me again stating that a friend of his had committed suicide days before, how he was seeing a counselor, how things were hard for him and "thanks for the consideration." I had it at that point and responded with what my phone told me was 8 text messages reiterating that we agreed he was no longer going to contact me and why was he telling me all this. I reminded him that my dad isn't well, that I'm not well and that never even crosses his mind. I told him how it kills me all over again to hear from him and how I wish I had a fighting chance with him but never had a shot in hell. I said everything I needed to say and sent it. I got no response back.

I cried the entire next day, being horribly unsettled that my last conversation with someone I felt so deeply for was a screaming match. It has been made blatantly apparent that he doesn't give a shit for me, but that doesn't matter. I felt bad for how I reacted. So....I called him....expecting his voice mail. He answered. In shock I stammered out my apology...he told me it wasn't necessary and how he understands why I reacted how I did and how it was justified. He said how it was all him and he's the one who needs to be sorry. Damn, okay, then there's no point in me talking now...you're right, you said everything just now that I wanted to say. And I said, "okay, well that's that. Goodbye" and hung up. That is that. Because in that brief conversation where all my actions and reactions have been justified because of how fucked up he has treated me, reality has sunk in. He doesn't care for me, nor ever has, like I care for him. He convinced me....and knows it. He led me on....and knows it. And has remorse, but is not the one feeling the way I am now. No, he's on dating sites looking for a girlfriend and is out playing the field while his words stating that, "I don't want to, and can't be in a relationship" ring through my head. It was never me....I was the rebound....for the last 2 years. And I fell for it. Like an idiot, I fell for him when he never had any real intention; only words....no follow through. He used me...and he knows it. And he feels bad, but his heart isn't broken like mine is. That much has been made clear.

Oh, Heather, why do you let these men do this to you?!

Today I am telling you that I'm done. Remind me of that tomorrow as I'll probably forget. But I have the best intentions to move on. I inadvertently have a date with a GORGEOUS stranger on Valentine's day, and though I think it'll fall through, I hope it doesn't. I need to get myself back out there again. And I'm taking baby steps in trying.

Okay, this saga needs to end. I'm hoping by writing it into the voids of the internet, that maybe I'll hold myself accountable to looking forward and not looking back. I will try. Desperately. In the mean time, there are far too many other things going on in life than to be consumed with heart break. I need to stop this shit and move on.

The end.

Here we go again...

I recently stumbled across this blog again....well, let's be honest here, I forgot about it and forgot my log in information. BUT, I still recently stumbled across it and briefly re-read the things that had once broken me for so long.

I guess I should re-cap. Okay, the last two years have not been much different. I'm no longer plagued by the desperate heartbreak or torture of my ex-husband (the heartbreak that literally left me a shell of the person I once was and had to seek help for), but minor heart break has still ensued. Because of that, I've decided that it may be functional to namelessly contribute to this blog again. If you stumble across it, maybe you'll know that you're not alone.

So...let's see here...well, there have been men. They have come and gone. Once since, has fucked me over time and time again, but he's come and gone over the last two years as well and I'm desperately trying to shake him (that can be for a different blog when I learn how to use this thing better) still. However, it was never in the way that my ex-hub left me. I am MUCH stronger now and and MUCH wiser. Yet, I still fall for douche bags...or one in particular...and I fall hard. There's really no explanation to it. He's not all that great. He doesn't really have his shit together, he has always thought about him more than me, and he never really supported me in anyway that I needed him to. Yet, I fell. We've all been there...and we don't know why. But it happens. At least I can recognize that. And the first step in recovery is admittance, right? Right. Okay, so here we go.

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to men who cannot love me nor treat me "right," because I've never known any different. And when I get those glimmers, I push them away. Those men are foreign to me and they freak me the fuck out! I should swoon when they send me three white roses at work (another blog post, I promise), but I don't; I cringe. But oh well, this blog post isn't intended to recap my lack in promising men and plethora in shit heads....no, it's meant to tell you, to the one that isn't even looking, that my dad may have cancer...

We found out yesterday....and we don't even know....

I'm mad and sad all at the same time. I'm PISSED that the doctor could throw it out there without even having solid proof. But, I suppose the proof is that 1/3rd of his blood is missing and they don't know why. He goes in for more tests on Monday and I'm hoping we'll have a better understanding then. In the mean time, I feel it necessary to preach into the void how FUCKED up I feel and how FUCKED up this whole thing is.

Maybe, it's really how guilty I fell....guilty for having told my mom a year ago that I support her divorcing him (another blog that may have to happen), and guilty for losing all respect for him since. Guilty for having my ex-douche bag even tell me that I should work on my relationship with my dad. Guilty for that being my ONE New Year's resolution....to work on my attitude and relationship with my Dad. Guilty for thinking he was over-reacting when I got the text that he was in the ER for chest pain...guilty for down playing his prognosis when he was telling me and not letting him get a word in edge-wise to really try to tell me that he may have cancer or that they at least put it out there, but instead kept turning it back on myself saying, "hey me too!" (as I JUST (day before) had similar test for GI disease which I have to further get tests on).... Guilty that my sister had to tell me. Guilty that I yelled at my mom for not telling me, and she turning it on me because it was HIM I was talking to not her, and I was relating to me and not listening. Guilty for not wanting to call my dad now...Guilty for being happy when I got his voice mail just now. Guilty for being 26 years old and for having to be the adult to my parents since before I was 15....guilty for the resentment I hear in people's voices when they reiterate this and guilty for the fact that I don't want it. Guilty because I feel like I'm 16 all over again and just was told over the phone that my Uncle Ted committed suicide...that's he's dead, and that I have to be the once to drive an hour to my parent's property, in the dark, in the middle of no where to tell them that their best friend/brother is dead. Guilty, because I still remember those moments SO clearly, and guilty because I feel them now. Guilty because I'm so scared and don't even know why. Guilty, because this seems too surreal and after all, I could be nothing, right? Guilty because it may not be nothing and I still hold resentment..........

Dad, you were my hero.....and you failed me so many times....time and time again....and I defended you....much like the douche bags that I do now in my dating life. I suppose I hold it against you for teaching me that all men will fail me, and now I cling to that and fall for it, because that's all I know. But why should that be your problem? That's mine, is it not? And yet, here I am, single, broken and crying over a fucking blog going into the void of the internet...the things I could never say in person, or have done so many times before that it doesn't even matter. Either way, here I am at 26 years old and scared as shit as though I was 16...and I have no one here to comfort me....

Or at least as I think. I have some AMAZING friends who are blowing up my phone even as I type, because it took courage for me to text them. The courage it's taken me 4 years to build up and gain back...to reach out....and here you guys are, instantly responding when I say I need you and not even in those words. There is still fight in me...I will keep fighting through the depression and the bull shit that these pages once fell to. And I will fight for my dad now...you guys reminded me of that just now. He may not fight, but I will fight for him. After all....we're Hills....we're survivors...it's what we do...it's all we know how to do. And goddammit, we will do it!

2-19-2010

finally, the pain has stopped...but you just keep re-creating your own. even listening to your words now....when will you stop? when will you stop hurting yourself and walking down the same road. now it's you who have been hurt, not me. now someone else has hurt you like you once destroyed me. and you've regressed. you're sound, your words...they mimic the last four plus years of your life. when will you break through and find yourself? not in others, not in heartache, not in experiences....but just in you? you once had potential. you're a stranger to me now. i no longer know if that exists or if you've killed it. yet, i still have hope for you...but will always remain a million miles away.

A Blog! of sorts...

where many thoughts have passed through in an attempt to keep my wandering emotions sane. here i read words that once broke me into a million different pieces...now they give me hope. hope for the change that has occurred and hope for the lovers that have come and gone and will continue to show and depart. every piece that is left within me, or taken from me, only forms another scar that i look at with insight. i have taken from you as much as you have taken from me; and for that i am grateful. every day opens new opportunity to live, and to live uninhibited from former pain and caution. each and every pang becomes a reason for the barriers that only i can take down. these walls that i have built in order to protect myself, have only hindered me in the end. with barriers down, i welcome the new rising sun. with each new day i will let go and truly live. with every step of the way i will constantly remind myself of the opportunities that i seek. and with every new experience, i will breathe and dream; remembering from whence i came, i will whisper, let hope live...

in silence

Monday, August 18, 2008

Today will be a day filled with tears. Tears for the memories of the things you've done and the pain you've caused. Tears for the joy of those single moments where the world stopped and it was just us; you and me, standing, sitting, staring…allowing the game to be given up for once; unreserved and feeling our reality for the first time, away from former hurt. Yet, a reality that would not carry on…
As much as I try to overcome it, it's your eyes that constantly haunt my dreams. With two steps forward, a bittersweet hope brings me one step back. The dream of a fairy tale shattered wide open by the brutal fact of reality. Yet somehow, a flicker of that flame still smolders inside of me…waiting. Waiting to be smothered, or given life again...
Your silence has always exposed your true meaning. And here you sit in your silence again; like it never left.
Unrequited and unattainable; letting go, to never feel again. Giving up those incomparable kisses for a grasp at freedom and perceived happiness. To hinder, to hide, to repress; never again to taste your lips and feel your skin. Never to be in your embrace, longing to believe it was only meant for me. Because these eyes have witnessed the truth. And these ears have heard the resonating words of its pain. Tortured through reality only to let go of love in the end.
Ahead is a new day; a day of change. And with it, in this silence…I remember you.

you know who you are

Thursday, July 31, 2008

and you know all you've been. and even though the time and distance may separate you from your choices, your dreams will always be tainted. i see and hear your tragedy. your words will always be fueled by the same. i know who you are, and you know why you hide. you're better than this. but for once, for once in quite some time, i can say i'm no longer pinned by your words. i hurt for you. i ache because i know your next step. but it was never about me and always about you. and for that, i still held it together. with this next step and changed future, i recognize my happiness. the future i could never have had but always strived for. today is a bright day. and tomorrow is even brighter. my steps have progressed. thank you for letting them move. i despise you for how long you held them back. but you, my old friend, you still need to break free. and it's for you that i write this. it's for you that i say let go. it's for you that i say press onward. you'll never know freedom until you give up your facade. you are better than this. where has your poetry gone? where has your originality gone? where has your heart on your sleeve and soul cut open for all to see, gone? i'm happy for your strength. i'm happy for your new adventure and the steps that are ahead of you. but please, don't give up and settle for who and where you are now. your intelligence exceeds your stance now. and your mind is far too complex to spew out simple things of love, heartache, and mistakes. what may consume us now, will disappear with time and action. today i sit here thinking of you. thinking of you for your lost agenda. thinking of you, no longer with anger and bitterness, but with empathy and hope. hope that you, as a soul, will find your truth in the end. the truth that drove you to this, and the truth that drives you now. you will never know my pain, and my happiness all at once. and so i tell you. but you will never feel that again or get that glimpse. and for you, i whisper into the wind...keep pushing on..don't give up that fire that incinerates everything in its path in order to achieve that passion you once longed for so strongly. that passion that fills your head day and night and pours out from your heart. the passion that can never be turned off nor given up on. don't allow it to fade. don't allow it to be overcome. you are stronger than who you've become and i know you'll advance on. just don't give up yet. your new words only mirror your struggle of the past. and yet, i find comfort that you are trying to appear happy. happy with your decisions and new life. the reflection will eventually overwhelm you. when that happens, i will no longer be close by. but you will be ok. and i hope that someday we meet again. on a different level. a level of compromise and compassion. you know who i am. and you know i know the truth. you know i hit that core; i saw it in your eyes that day. and it's for that one moment, that moment that was beyond time and circumstance, that i know you are not where you need to be. and it's for that moment, that one single moment, that i will remember you with gratitude for teaching me pain. a pain that almost consumed me, but a pain that i overcame. a memory that i am actively overcoming when its broken pieces try to demolish my growth. but you, my old friend, that moment will haunt your mind. as much as you repress it, it will arise. and on that day, i will think of you at my distance, and once again whisper encouragement into the wind to keep pressing on...
you know who you are…and i say to you, keep pressing on…