2-19-2010

finally, the pain has stopped...but you just keep re-creating your own. even listening to your words now....when will you stop? when will you stop hurting yourself and walking down the same road. now it's you who have been hurt, not me. now someone else has hurt you like you once destroyed me. and you've regressed. you're sound, your words...they mimic the last four plus years of your life. when will you break through and find yourself? not in others, not in heartache, not in experiences....but just in you? you once had potential. you're a stranger to me now. i no longer know if that exists or if you've killed it. yet, i still have hope for you...but will always remain a million miles away.

A Blog! of sorts...

where many thoughts have passed through in an attempt to keep my wandering emotions sane. here i read words that once broke me into a million different pieces...now they give me hope. hope for the change that has occurred and hope for the lovers that have come and gone and will continue to show and depart. every piece that is left within me, or taken from me, only forms another scar that i look at with insight. i have taken from you as much as you have taken from me; and for that i am grateful. every day opens new opportunity to live, and to live uninhibited from former pain and caution. each and every pang becomes a reason for the barriers that only i can take down. these walls that i have built in order to protect myself, have only hindered me in the end. with barriers down, i welcome the new rising sun. with each new day i will let go and truly live. with every step of the way i will constantly remind myself of the opportunities that i seek. and with every new experience, i will breathe and dream; remembering from whence i came, i will whisper, let hope live...

in silence

Monday, August 18, 2008

Today will be a day filled with tears. Tears for the memories of the things you've done and the pain you've caused. Tears for the joy of those single moments where the world stopped and it was just us; you and me, standing, sitting, staring…allowing the game to be given up for once; unreserved and feeling our reality for the first time, away from former hurt. Yet, a reality that would not carry on…
As much as I try to overcome it, it's your eyes that constantly haunt my dreams. With two steps forward, a bittersweet hope brings me one step back. The dream of a fairy tale shattered wide open by the brutal fact of reality. Yet somehow, a flicker of that flame still smolders inside of me…waiting. Waiting to be smothered, or given life again...
Your silence has always exposed your true meaning. And here you sit in your silence again; like it never left.
Unrequited and unattainable; letting go, to never feel again. Giving up those incomparable kisses for a grasp at freedom and perceived happiness. To hinder, to hide, to repress; never again to taste your lips and feel your skin. Never to be in your embrace, longing to believe it was only meant for me. Because these eyes have witnessed the truth. And these ears have heard the resonating words of its pain. Tortured through reality only to let go of love in the end.
Ahead is a new day; a day of change. And with it, in this silence…I remember you.

you know who you are

Thursday, July 31, 2008

and you know all you've been. and even though the time and distance may separate you from your choices, your dreams will always be tainted. i see and hear your tragedy. your words will always be fueled by the same. i know who you are, and you know why you hide. you're better than this. but for once, for once in quite some time, i can say i'm no longer pinned by your words. i hurt for you. i ache because i know your next step. but it was never about me and always about you. and for that, i still held it together. with this next step and changed future, i recognize my happiness. the future i could never have had but always strived for. today is a bright day. and tomorrow is even brighter. my steps have progressed. thank you for letting them move. i despise you for how long you held them back. but you, my old friend, you still need to break free. and it's for you that i write this. it's for you that i say let go. it's for you that i say press onward. you'll never know freedom until you give up your facade. you are better than this. where has your poetry gone? where has your originality gone? where has your heart on your sleeve and soul cut open for all to see, gone? i'm happy for your strength. i'm happy for your new adventure and the steps that are ahead of you. but please, don't give up and settle for who and where you are now. your intelligence exceeds your stance now. and your mind is far too complex to spew out simple things of love, heartache, and mistakes. what may consume us now, will disappear with time and action. today i sit here thinking of you. thinking of you for your lost agenda. thinking of you, no longer with anger and bitterness, but with empathy and hope. hope that you, as a soul, will find your truth in the end. the truth that drove you to this, and the truth that drives you now. you will never know my pain, and my happiness all at once. and so i tell you. but you will never feel that again or get that glimpse. and for you, i whisper into the wind...keep pushing on..don't give up that fire that incinerates everything in its path in order to achieve that passion you once longed for so strongly. that passion that fills your head day and night and pours out from your heart. the passion that can never be turned off nor given up on. don't allow it to fade. don't allow it to be overcome. you are stronger than who you've become and i know you'll advance on. just don't give up yet. your new words only mirror your struggle of the past. and yet, i find comfort that you are trying to appear happy. happy with your decisions and new life. the reflection will eventually overwhelm you. when that happens, i will no longer be close by. but you will be ok. and i hope that someday we meet again. on a different level. a level of compromise and compassion. you know who i am. and you know i know the truth. you know i hit that core; i saw it in your eyes that day. and it's for that one moment, that moment that was beyond time and circumstance, that i know you are not where you need to be. and it's for that moment, that one single moment, that i will remember you with gratitude for teaching me pain. a pain that almost consumed me, but a pain that i overcame. a memory that i am actively overcoming when its broken pieces try to demolish my growth. but you, my old friend, that moment will haunt your mind. as much as you repress it, it will arise. and on that day, i will think of you at my distance, and once again whisper encouragement into the wind to keep pressing on...
you know who you are…and i say to you, keep pressing on…

Never Fails.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

how is it that i'm always right??? seriously! ALWAYS RIGHT!! just remember that!
i don't set you up for disaster, you do it yourself. you tell me to believe you and that you're different; but you're all the same.

"this time it's real."

"this time, just maybe."

but, nope. yet again, you fail your own standards.

everyone is casebook, myself included.

i don't want to hear lectures on this guarded heart. walls have been built for a reason.

you show me.

you prove to me that you're really different this time.

don't give up when you get set back. even in failure, you need to keep trying. otherwise, you've proven yourself wrong....and once again, me right.

i don't want to be right anymore.

i want to be oh so wrong about you.

i want to believe in you; that you really are different.

i do believe in you.
why can't you believe in yourself? believe in yourself enough to try to be different?
let's not be casebook anymore.

there's so much more to life than what we see now....let's live.

and let us live out of the standard of generic "life."

these games are far too overrated.

goodbye

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You may never understand this entrapment you've caused. How everyday slips by like it was never meant to be. How every thought comes back to you, and the pain starts all over again.
My own finger holding the trigger; firmly pressing the barrel to my heart. Trembling, I dare to suppress it more so to never feel like this again. Your words fill my head….your songs strip open my soul, baring it for all to see. And you leave me here, alone and destroyed. Devastated and forced to start from square one.
The blood will never wipe clean from your hands…my blood will always lay as a stain tinting your flesh, begging you to remember your guilt as you run from your own choices.
Every tear was wasted; a lost cause of false hope. Life has become no more than a surreal game in which I waste my days grasping for hope and happiness again. Clinging to, while at the same time rejecting any semblance of restoration to my heart...to my peace and my faith in humanity. These walls have become impenetrable and I cannot tear them down. What's left to hide? You took it all. You drained me; and yet, it was I who allowed you to.
You're killing me with these nightmares that never cease. And so it's today….today I let go. I refuse to be held down any longer. I can stand up and walk forward; one step at a time. It's so hard to move on, especially "when you haunt the whole room." But here I stand. Ready to move. Ready to live. And ready to let you go. Today I let you out of my heart…I force you out of my mind. I cut you, all of you, out of my life. The hardest step I've ever had to take is the only one I can. You can no longer hold pieces of me. You can no longer have power over my life. Today I say goodbye to the memories. I say goodbye to you...you who once had all of me.

"Farewell, the days that were to be remembered... so sad their departure.
Facing the future has never hurt so utterly, yet still there is a soft, undying light at the tunnels end...
all the promises betrayed, I lie here in my defeat screaming, cursing your name... With not but even the slightest glimpse of a response...
lies, deceit, untruths from the start have brought me to this place of brokenness...
finally collapsing, bleeding and helpless, you walk away and act as if you never saw me fall or struggle to stand again...
I lifelessly lie next to your spatted words.. alone... and in this I am free...

who knew freedom could hurt so bad...?"-ddr

the heart

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

it's such a fickle thing. so quick to judge, and so hard to express. no matter what happens in life, the good or the bad, those unexplainable emotions come creeping back in. they can be triggered at the most inappropriate times. certain memories, no matter how hard you try to suppress or forget them, will creep back in eventually; almost with no control. something so simple as a smell, a sound, a song, a word....a picture; can stop your breath and cripple your senses. it all comes flooding back again; like it neverleft at all. and then what? you're captivated. it takes your thoughts, your full attention, and everything you have; even to rid yourself of it...of that memory...that feeling. will time cause it to cease? i'm not sure....i doubtit. the heart feels for a reason. is it supposed to stop or change? so then,with each moment, shall we live? follow each passing emotion and opportunity? life is about living and learning, is it not? but why waste our moments to learn from heartbreak...from pain? why believe that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger? why risk at all?

because....would i have ever fully felt at all? it wouldn't be worth it in the end if it were only half-hearted....guarded. but this heart has learned...it will remain at an arms length. i have felt. and those feelings don't fade. maybe i'll re-think this stance someday. but for now...why?

what to do when everything comes crashing back in? just push through it, move through it? though the emotions may be overwhelming? so much so that you can no longer hold back the tears that have been built up for so long? sometimes i need the crash. to get to the bottom to see the light at the top.

Oct 6, 2008

thoughts....

so many, many thoughts. constantly filling my mind. constantly changing my mood. constantly bringing me back to that place. bringing me back that place where i no longer want to be. back to where you can hurt me all over again. back to where those emotions fall, shattered without hope.
but today, today i pushed you away. today i forgot about you. today, i let you go.
tomorrow will be a new start. a start to live again. a start that will be void of you. a day i must remain thankful for. not because i have to, but because i can finally see the light penetrating through the many dark hours of regret and defeat.
tomorrow i can take a breath and see joy. tonight, i can be done with you.

6-16-2008

I like tracking progress....I've been finding old posts and am re-posting them. Having something tangible to look back over throughout your life is a great testimony to how far you've come when you finally can look back...

6-16-2008
today has been an emotional day. i've been battling this reality, but doing so well in advancement. sometimes though, familiarity just takes control, and you can't always anticipate the people who come walking back into your life.....it hurts. it stings. and it brings you back to square one. but what choices do i have? let go. move on. yes, i am.



please be patient with our humanity...sometimes we just can't control it.



i am learning....i am learning more everyday, and growing stronger in the process.



thank you to all who support me. you'll never know how much you mean to me.

Dec. 29, 2008

.Burning Bridges.

the days have drifted by, sometimes far too slowly, from that moment so many years ago. the memories have faded, and our laughter has silenced. though you still fill my head, it's become a different kind of pain...one where i no longer love you. the bridges that lead me to you, i have taken a torch to and cut you from my life. so why, i ask, why try to come back into my life now? i no longer hold hatred for you in my heart, more so pity. you once meant everything to mean. now i live freely and happy without you by my side.
so, take the memories, and hide them in your heart. but that life that we once shared can never be the same.
with all its pain, thank you for teaching me about life and love, hatred and remorse. thank you for teaching me pain....now that those days are gone.