A not too important update.

But I still feel like updating it.

And as I've written it now, it's really long and probably boring, so maybe you shouldn't read it...just sayin'. But if you have some time to waste. Be my guest. It kinda sucks....

Regarding my dad...we still know nothing. What we do know is that it "could" still be "a cancer." But the uncertainty of it all has started to wear off...maybe I'm just numb to it. He goes in on the 20th for more tests. Clearly he could get in sooner elsewhere, but I think he's too scared to hear what the outcome is and has accepted this date without hesitation. Jesus, how our dysfunction has passed on through the generations; I truly am my father's daughter in that regard, so I suppose I shouldn't blame him. After all, it's taken me 7 years to finally go see a specialist for my health problems..which take place tomorrow and will have more tests to come thereafter. Oh the dread. But this is about other updates. Dad, check; we have no clue and he's scared shitless and unwilling to face reality, so we're all just going to stick our heads in the sand, I guess (I pushed him to reschedule for a sooner date to no avail; I forfeit).

And then there's the update on the shithead(s) that I have somehow fallen for only to realize that it was really nothing in the first place. (Insert Gotye right here and all his freakish bullshit as well...damn you Gotye and your far too close to home words.) So, in short, I suppose an impromptu screaming match over the phone is one way to ruin any chance of ever getting back together and me ending all opportunities by telling him it's best to never contact me again (which I'm pretty sure I also said 2 months ago...yep, just checked, I did). That's the problem here, faceless internet reader (minus 1 person that I actually know who may be reading this...<3 you), I'm tired of his damn pattern! For the last 2 years I have put up with this push and pull bullshit! The pull you close and give you just enough to keep you barely hanging on, and then the complete push away by just sleeping with someone else out of the blue, or just dropping off the face of the planet and ignoring you; and then getting mad at you when you bring this up to him and getting all turned around on you...as though it's my fault right, because I should have "known better." This is probably making no sense right now. Allow me to recap in as short, and unboringly (it's a word now, I just made it one) as I can...

2 years ago, a tall, dark and handsome gentlemen decided he was interested in me. Mind you, I was dating someone at the time, and though I found this tall, dark, and handsome gentleman to be attractive, I knew I had to stay away from him as I am NOT the type of girl to be swayed elsewhere when I'm in a relationship, even by innocent attraction. Not so unfortunately, but just as painfully, my relationship ended with that person (let's call him J). J had gotten distant from me and one day confessed that he was still in love with an ex (and someone else as well that was WILDLY inappropriate) and I was surprisingly dumbfounded...though, I knew it was coming. You always know it's coming. Long story short, I broke it off with him. (We're both amicable now, and have no interest in each other. We're fine.) Tall, dark and handsome (let's call him D) then played his cards all the more. I finally gave in one day to casual snuggling (we were staying at a mutual friends house WITH multiple friends, and we both wanted to snuggle...no harm there, right?). In the process D stated how we should date and how my sister had suggested it even. I scoffed at this and told him there was no way it would ever work out for various reasons. I reminded him again that we were ONLY snuggling and to keep it above the waist when it tried to go further. When asked if I wanted to "make out," I politely declined. See, I can casually snuggle and keep it innocent. Well, what started out as casually snuggling eventually turned in to him asking me out on a date....one that I FINALLY accepted. Though months had passed and I had been around D a number of times and gotten to know him, I was nervous as hell! In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the first time I had ever gotten high before a date in order to calm my nerves (mind you, I also had a broken wrist at this time and a purple cast lined my entire arm, forcing it at a 90 degree angle...it sucked). D came and picked me up and took me to sushi (which I love and he hates, but he was trying to impress me...it worked). It was surprisingly an amazing date. We went back to my house to watch movies and drink beer and then I went to bed, leaving him on the couch. I got the pouty face from him and told him he could come snuggle with me, but that was it. Of course I gave in a little, and we made out, but that was it. However, friends, that was the beginning of the end. It only escalated from there the days following. We hung out more, we went on other dates, he wooed me. Eventually we started having sex and we became "an item" without classifying it as such. We were dating. But then one day it was done....because he was done. He called me and said we needed to stop. I had no say. Days later, he contacted my friends and told them how he had "fucked up" and wanted me back. And he tried to get me back...and he got it. And FUCK MY LIFE, that has been the pattern ever since. This off again, on again bull shit, because I fell for some shithead that doesn't know how to BE in a relationship. So, to bring you up to speed, we finally dated...officially...it lasted 2 months. When I moved out to Portland 4 months ago, we were hanging out all the more and everyone referred to us as a couple except for us. I had finally decided that it was what it was and was going to cut it once I started school again in the fall, but then he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I agreed...almost without hesitation (IDIOT!). 2 months later (Thanksgiving basically...yeah, good timing asshole), he dumped me. But not in your typical "I'm done" type of way, oh no, it's so much better than that. We got in a fight the day before Thanksgiving and he shrugged off wanting to be with me (literally, I asked, he shrugged; awesome). So, instead of sticking with my family/friend plans, I tried to get my ass back to Portland. The following morning (Thanksgiving Day) I called him just to get closure on the fact, that from my understanding, we were done. He told me he didn't remember (he had been drinking but was not drunk) much of the conversation and wanted to come to me so we could talk. He came and found me, sat me down and apologized FOR EVERYTHING. And then stated how much shit he had to work on in himself and how we were going to do it together (every girl's dream, right?), and that he really wanted to be with me. He then started drinking again at our friend's house for T-day and I had to go home to work early the next day. Though we were together, something was still off, especially contradictory to everything he had said earlier in the day. We made plans to hang out the next evening as I would drive back out to see him that night. So, I did just that. I had dinner plans with a friend that ran late but texted him the entire time with my ETA regardless and never got a response. I called him after when I was heading his way, and got voice mail. As I was crossing the bridge into the other fucking state in which he was supposed to be, he sent me a text telling me he went home instead. I pulled over and called him again...sent to voice mail. I simply responded with an "ok" thinking he must just need his space. The next day, I call again, thinking we're supposed to hang out; no response. I get home to Portland and call again; still no response. I leave a voice mail saying that I'm assuming he just needs his space for some reason but was under the impression we were hanging out, so to text/call me and let me know otherwise....no response. HOURS later, he tells me he's staying home and getting ready to leave tomorrow mid day for work (he works out of state and has long drives often). I say "okay" and that I'm THANKFUL he told me. Not being a bitch, just reiterating that I appreciated the communication stating otherwise. I assumed he'd call me once he got to his destination the next day as he ALWAYS does, and got nothing. So, I text him the next morning and tell him I hope he has a good day at work. Nothing. I go to dinner with my friend that night and she thinks it sounds fucked up...as do I. So, I call him after dinner and get voice mail. I tell him that I hope he had a good day at work (he often hates his job) and that I'd like to know when he's coming home and that I don't feel spontaneous texting over the last 3 days is sufficient as he's the one who has stated that he HATES texting and prefers to call someone (which he's always done). About 20 minutes later, I get a text from him stating that he didn't leave for work...at all. MIND FUCKING BLOWN. You've GOT to be kidding me!!! Okay, asshole, what's going on now! is all that I'm thinking. I try to call him at this point; get sent to voice mail. Enough is enough. I send a text saying that he needs to call me as this is just out of hand now. No response. I decide to drive to his house. I should stop talking about this now, you're probably totally bored, aren't you? I am. I've been through it and though it fucking killed me, I'm bored. Okay, let's sum up the next bull shit few hours of me having to find him and being treated horribly by his roommate, to me finding him, drunk in the park by his house in the dark, and racing his RC car (he has an obsession; I found it so cute). He was as shocked to see me as I was him. I told him I was worried since he had been ignoring me for 3 days straight and cancelling plans. He told me he was "fine." Ummm....ok. Then he told me how he didn't want to be in a relationship and how he'd "thought I'd figure it out." Oh yeah, that shit happened. I think I went deaf after that as I don't remember much. I was in shock. But then I heard it again, "I don't want to be in a relationship." Tears in my eyes, I looked at his half squinted, drunk ass eyes, and his shitty choice of dress for the day (stripped sweater (i liked it), torn baggy jeans (hated), dirty addias (not the biggest fan), poofy snow coat...baseball cap), made eye contact for about 10 seconds and turned and walked away without a word. I deleted him from my phone as I walked away, found my car, got in and drove home. Opened the door to my roommate just staring at me and I broke down in tears as I relayed that he broke up with me. We decided to go block my facebook from everyone in the world as this shit was about to go viral (fuck you social media....but I love you so much at the same time!). It took me 15 minutes to get home and as soon as I had signed on, D had apparently already made it home and changed his relationship status. Your son of a bitch. This wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that us even dating took him A FUCKING MONTH to change his FB status. I didn't care, honestly. The ONLY reason this is a problem now is because he made it a HUGE FUCKING deal when he finally decided to change it. I went over to his house after work and sat down next to him on the couch. He kept glancing over at his left open lap top screen and giving me this look that I should check it out. Okay, fine. "Oh, wow look at that. You're in a relationship now. Crazy, I thought you already were...who is this bitch? I'm gonna have to cut her now, aren't I?" Of course I wasn't even tagged in the change, so of course I wrote, "I'm gonna cut her" on his status shortly there after. And of course it was a joke. All of our friends knew it....his family, not so much. Oh well, I think I'm hilarious and that's all that matters.

Wait, how'd I get off track? Oh yeah, the fact that it took a fucking month to put yourself publicly in a relationship and the fact that it took 5 minutes to get out of it! Oh how I loathe you FB relationship status! You just summed up my 2 years of bullshit into a simple phrase, "D********** is single." Fuck you.

Okay, how'd we get off track here. Oh yeah, back to yesterday....wow, sorry about that. So, at that point I had deleted him entirely from my life and was moving on...slowly and painfully, but moving on regardless. Then come to find out, he had breakfast with one of my bffs and in turn made the retarded comment of how he's "giving me my space and hopes to be friends again someday." Ummmmm.....no. Not gonna happen. I've given you TOO many of those chances. So, in the good hearted nature that I try to do all things, I wrote him a long email as to why that would never happen. Why I cared about him deeply, and why I hoped he would take care of himself in the years to come. He didn't react well and actually responded. Dammit. It took a day for him to settle the fuck down and contact me saying he actually read ALL of the email and wanted to meet up. I wanted nothing to do with it. But in my true sucker form, agreed. 2 hours of meeting and talking and crying on both our parts resulted in the agreement that I was done and he wouldn't contact me anymore. Well, for the last 2 months he still has; true to his form. January 4th, he told me he was getting sober. Yay, good for you, I'm happy for you! Why do I need to know? It continued...eventually he wanted to meet up. I hesitantly agreed. He told me how he was not only getting sober, but seeking help. Yay, good for you, I'm happy for you! Why do I need to know? It continued....all the while dropping hints (and saying it), how he needed my support and just wanted me to know...how he "needed someone to hold his hand." Umm....not me, asshole, I've done that too many times. All the while, I maintained my distance, but cared FAR too much. He'd pop up again from time to time and G-chat me...then text me...then call me...all the while explaining his fears and concerns and express how he was having a hard time. I related and told him how proud of him I was, but reiterated how hard it was for me to talk to him...and be there for him....but despite that, that I supported him.

We hung out again recently....it was awkward. I asked him how he was doing and if he'd made that call yet like he told me numerous times he needed to but was scared to. He shot back with excuses as to why he hadn't and put up an instant wall to me. It sucked...I left.

I called him out on it just the other day....a screaming match over the phone ensued....it was not pleasant. I cried and told him it was best he didn't contact me anymore. He agreed, and we hung up. An hour later, he texted me apologizing. I ignored it and deleted his number. An hour after that he texted me again stating that a friend of his had committed suicide days before, how he was seeing a counselor, how things were hard for him and "thanks for the consideration." I had it at that point and responded with what my phone told me was 8 text messages reiterating that we agreed he was no longer going to contact me and why was he telling me all this. I reminded him that my dad isn't well, that I'm not well and that never even crosses his mind. I told him how it kills me all over again to hear from him and how I wish I had a fighting chance with him but never had a shot in hell. I said everything I needed to say and sent it. I got no response back.

I cried the entire next day, being horribly unsettled that my last conversation with someone I felt so deeply for was a screaming match. It has been made blatantly apparent that he doesn't give a shit for me, but that doesn't matter. I felt bad for how I reacted. So....I called him....expecting his voice mail. He answered. In shock I stammered out my apology...he told me it wasn't necessary and how he understands why I reacted how I did and how it was justified. He said how it was all him and he's the one who needs to be sorry. Damn, okay, then there's no point in me talking now...you're right, you said everything just now that I wanted to say. And I said, "okay, well that's that. Goodbye" and hung up. That is that. Because in that brief conversation where all my actions and reactions have been justified because of how fucked up he has treated me, reality has sunk in. He doesn't care for me, nor ever has, like I care for him. He convinced me....and knows it. He led me on....and knows it. And has remorse, but is not the one feeling the way I am now. No, he's on dating sites looking for a girlfriend and is out playing the field while his words stating that, "I don't want to, and can't be in a relationship" ring through my head. It was never me....I was the rebound....for the last 2 years. And I fell for it. Like an idiot, I fell for him when he never had any real intention; only words....no follow through. He used me...and he knows it. And he feels bad, but his heart isn't broken like mine is. That much has been made clear.

Oh, Heather, why do you let these men do this to you?!

Today I am telling you that I'm done. Remind me of that tomorrow as I'll probably forget. But I have the best intentions to move on. I inadvertently have a date with a GORGEOUS stranger on Valentine's day, and though I think it'll fall through, I hope it doesn't. I need to get myself back out there again. And I'm taking baby steps in trying.

Okay, this saga needs to end. I'm hoping by writing it into the voids of the internet, that maybe I'll hold myself accountable to looking forward and not looking back. I will try. Desperately. In the mean time, there are far too many other things going on in life than to be consumed with heart break. I need to stop this shit and move on.

The end.